As I look into the angelic eyes of my son, Tadan, I see... Love. Such purity that not even I can grasp. I think most people go through life looking at Love as just an emotion but it is Who We Are. Before Tadan was diagnosed and even before he started to get really bad, I hadn't caught on to what Love is, I now know. Love is what drives you to make decisions, even the bad ones cause whether good or bad Love has brought you to that path and you must choose. Love is that overwhelming pull of joy and fear of our children, Love is that fire for you partner, Love is that tingle in your toes when going in the right direction. Tadan came into my life and so many others to bless us with an abundance of joy, Love, smiles and to teach us what we thought we knew. Love is not the simple emotion that you turn on and off in a relationship or what you're suppose to do because you are a parent, its the core of us all, leading and guiding us throughout our lives. Tadan is the absolute purest of Loves I have ever seen. Many of the families I have met on this journey will tell you the same thing about their little ones that are sick from these Leukodystrophy diseases and so many others.
When I lay down at night and place my forehead to Tadan's, we begin to breath each other in. He smells of baby's breath and I can feel the power he has even though his body is so weak-its his Love. I will stay like that as long as I can and even though I am breathing in some of the strongest Love, I can only hope my love that he is taking in can come even close to guide him through what is to come. The Love we have received from Tadan has shown me a strength I didn't know I had and that is to let people in with Love. I have always had walls to "protect" my heart-which is what I thought I was doing, being tough-no, without the walls, giving and receiving Love lets your "heart"(the core of us) grow, even when hurt, through grief, anger, confusion, stress and many other things that can break us a little. I heal, move on but now I'm stronger because of the power behind it-Love. We cannot hide from it or pretend that it isn't there because that will only deminish ones self. Some may then say if Love is who we are than so is Hate, true, but the difference is Hate I believe takes mind power to control it-and chosing to do so-when Love.... just simply is.
Holding Tadan I wonder if he can feel my heartbeat as I feel his, which is a rythmn of the Love we share making a beat that I can hear throughout the day. Everyone of his features is like a perfect hand painting made just for me to admire, touch, and imprint in my mind so as not to forget. All that Tadan is was made 5 years ago to captivate so many, pull at the Love in each of us and make us think about things a whole lot differently. Everyone says they will never forget his eyes and most even say the eyes are the windows to ones soul, he is meant to show his soul, open up and bare the strongest of Love to us, latch on, teach us, show us what and who we are. As it seems to come closer to Tadan being at peace and free from this disease my Love seems to be on overdrive and I'm a little scared to show him all of it so as not to scare him because it comes with a river of tears as I talk to him about how much I love him, what he has done for so many and the love he is giving and receiving from family, friends and complete strangers. I know Tadan is in there even though I do not hear him or see some of what Tadan used to be, I see the Love of Tadan in his eyes. I am reminded daily of the blessing I hold, the gift of this beautiful child that has shown me and taught me how to live. Given me what I need to continue in life after he is gone knowing that I will live it with Love, dignity and teaching Paige and Dalton, and many others why he came to us and why he had to leave. Tadan, at the very young age of 5 has taught me more than anyone else ever will, I have many years to learn from Paige and Dalton and I know they will teach me much more. Tadan has given us so much joy and heart warming lessons, he will forever be a guide as we live our lives. I can try to tell him but I bet to him he is saying, "Mom, this is how life is suppose to be, I didn't do much!" with a Tadan look and grin. As I try to think of how I can continue on and feel his Love after he is gone with not only memories, I think back of the time when he could walk (Paige Dalton and I were just talking about this) he would come to one of us, reach up his arms and say "Hold You". I will do the same, I will reach up my arms for him wherever he may be and say "Hold You" and let the Love in. Please feel free to do the same.
