Why I decided to write today I do not know. It was such a great relief all those years ago. I told myself, you need to start again. It heals you when you get what's inside, out on paper or even spoken aloud. As I saw pictures of the kids today, my mind took me back in time. A time when all 3 of my babies would laugh together. When Paige and Dalton would be so quirky to make Tadan laugh, to bring him joy, to bring him to a place of peace and make his life full of love. No sickness, no pain, no timer on his life.
Then I was flung back to me sitting on this couch, I started to think when did I cry last, do I even really remember his laugh or do I just think I do. So then frantically, I start going through videos to watch, to listen to his voice, his laugh.....I can't ever forget!!!
Ah....there's the cry I couldn't remember before, there's the grief that I hate when it hits. It's an overwhelming amount of fire, that burns my insides. The fire that makes it hard to breath and most times has me crawling on my hands and knees to the bathroom, the sickness comes. The fire that puts my face on the cold bathroom tile to cool me off, then I cry some more. I don't ever know how long these last, feels like hours.
Slowly my air comes back, the tears stop and as I regain myself, my body aches from the tightness of what just happened. I'm tired, I'm weak and then I'm angry. This is my life when grief decides it's time to release......And it FUCKING SUCKS! I don't understand when people say "It will get better".....no, it just gets farther apart! The pain is the same.
What happens is that double-edged sword begins to even out. I envision mine running up and down vertically. My love, my kids, my husband, my laughter, my joy, my family is at the bottom point but it's down there because it keeps me grounded, it's the heaviest, its stabilizes me, keeps me upright. My grief, my sadness, the emptiness from Tadan passing is right at the top, behind my head just hanging out. Always there, a companion on one or the other shoulder. Swaying from side to side but never getting enough momentum to bring me off balance. The bottom point is too strong!! The closest it gets are days like today when it goes horizontal. Bringing me to a stopping point, like not getting to walk through a narrow hallway, forward through life because the sword has turned. This is when I know I need to release, I need to let all my sadness, all my anger, all my anxiety, all my fears out, or I can't move forward. Once I do that, that sword begins to turn....my love, my family and all that joy begins to move and regain my stability. I can now walk down that narrow hallway.
That is what time does to grief, balances it out so you may live your life....but never eases the pain when it comes to visit. My sword is beautiful, strong...its ME!! On days like today it wavers, it bends but never breaks. I love and dislike my sword. Without it I wouldn't have the immense love for both the living and the dead, nor the pain or fear. That pain that visits shows me how powerful my love for my son was and is....but when my sword begins to balance back out I'm overwhelmed with all the love and powerful connections that I am so blessed to have with the ones with me now, to live out our lives, enjoy all the laughter, watch my children grow into adults, have a husband that is amazingly wonderful.....to LIVE! This kind of balance comes with time, comes with struggle.....But it does come.
I miss and love you Tadan everyday!
I love you my beautiful babies, my husband, my family....thank you for making life so amazing and full of joy. Thank you for your love!!
