Notes of my emotions

It has been a little over a week since Tadan's passing and I feel as though I'm in a dream. I knew the day would come when he would fly away but never did I think I would still feel the shock so deeply of him not being here. I knew he would leave and yet I am stunned that he did. I had accepted his journey and knew it would come so I do not know why I feel so overwhelmed that it actually happened.  I got so used to caring for him all day, I got used to him sleeping with me, I got used to the medicine schedule, I got used to never leaving the house. Now I have to get used to something else. Spending my time with my other two children is long over due and, yes, we will be doing alot together but what to do about my time for me? I can't answer that right now.
The feelings that bounce up and down about Tadan are strange, its hard to describe the loss of a child. You feel as though it isn't real that you will wake up or I will go into the living room and see his bed with him in it. I watch videos to see him smile and laugh, to hear him talk and cry. Even have some of him when he could walk. Its like I am forgetting already and he hasn't been gone that long, it makes me mad that my head is that clouded. I still hear him cry out for me, I did this when he was still here as well, when outside or in the shower, I would hear him and he was always sleeping when I looked, that has not gone away. I leave the house and get an urge to rush back home so I am not away from him long and then realize he isn't there anymore. I forgot my phone one day and panicked because I didn't have it if Tadan needed me but again realized he wouldn't cause he is where he doesn't need anyone to care for him because he is better and free. I asked myself so many times if it really was his time, I feel as though I helped him die faster because of all the medicines he had to have to keep him comfortable, that maybe he didn't need them and the medicine was making him like that. It makes me overwhelming sick to even think that is possible. But when I see pictures and videos of Tadan, I see how he declined in a way I never saw before because I saw him everyday. I now know the disease moved quickly this last few months.
The pastor from hospice told me he sees to often where parent and child will go through a difficult period in order to be able to let go. Tadan and I did the same. His confusion, agigtation, crying and screaming spells were horrible and gut wrenching. So I know my agigtation was, I'm sure, horrible to him. And by no means was I ever upset at him but I would just not know what to do anymore and walk away and yell at nothing. I told him I didn't know what he wanted or what to do, I think we were both lost. I also believe we had to get to that point to prepare us both for the hospice stay that soon came, we needed to able to let go of each other and know we did it together. I spent 3 nights telling him the same thing once the doctors told us hours to days. I told him I knew his frustration was never towards me and I asked him to forgive me for mine because I was never frustrated at him only the disease, that it was doing this to him. After the third night I told him I knew he had forgiven me and that our trials is what had to happen so he can let go and I can let go. I told him how sorry I was that he got sick and had to endure so much pain but that I knew he would touch the world for his strength, I would make him.

Now here it is June 10. I wrote the above one night when I couldn't sleep but never posted it. My emotions are now of guilt and anger. Guilty that I didn't hold him and mad because I was holding him at 2 in the morning but laid him back down and then he died as I was laying next to him with my arm over his chest thinking I would wake up if I felt his breathing go away but didnt and he passed at 4:30. I remember popping up real fast and looking at his neck, not seeing his pulse and yelled out "Tadan" knowing he wouldn't respond, felling his chest for a breath waiting for it to come, pushing the nurse button and still waiting to see his pulse. The nurse came in, checked and just shook her head and said he is gone, I laid my head on his chest, cried and said "No". Its so fresh in my mind how he looked when he died and when I was holding him, its implanted in my head so I look at pictures and videos to try and push that day a little farther away because I don't want to just see him that way, not all the time. It hurts. It was peaceful don't get me wrong, he was beautiful, still, calm, an angelic white color as if his wings gave his body a gift of beauty for us to see and so free but yet I knew that day would be the last day I would hold him until we meet again, which is too long. It is not dream-like anymore, the reality of Tadan being gone is very real. I hurt everyday but I do not cry everyday. I know my grief will have many faces and many steps but I will face them as Tadan faced his adversities. I will scream, cry and yell but another day will come and I will figure it out. No one faces grief the same but I do know their are many that will help and I need to learn how to cry in front of them to let the help in. My baby is gone and at the drop of a hat I can be on the floor crying so hard I can't breath but I can also feel as though he is holding me through it and picking me up off my feet to continue on, even though alot of the times once I'm done it doesn't feel as though it helped. Tadan has not come to me in my dreams yet, he has in other ways but I believe he hasn't because he feels I don't need him too yet or I am wanting it too badly. Almost as if he is letting me grieve and will come when I am able to take it in and smile knowing where he is now, I am happy he is free but am in a place where I want him back. The day he arrives to me will be the right day, he knows that.  I miss him, ache for him and feel as if he was just a dream I had one night, he left too soon.
Its getting close, the driving force is coming back. I have the urge but yet feel the weight of madness as what the force is for, Tadan is gone. That will very soon help me to push on with what we started. His strength was astounding, I can't and won't allow this funk to tarnish his legacy. I feel myself pulling out of the darkness, the dream, coming back into his light that he left to continue on. Its faint but I see it. He pushes a little everyday but allows me to properly go through the emotions, what an amazing little boy to have been blessed to hold, kiss, hug, laugh, cry, play with, and care for. Thank you Tadan for being my light, my son and you will continue to shine for me and guide me where I need to go. I Love You! Momma