The tears dont come everyday anymore

As we come up on the third month since Tadan's passing I wonder if I should be crying more. I can go throughout my day and when it is coming to an end I realize that I have gone without crying. I will pause and take a moment to reflect on it, if I still feel ok about it I am able to go to sleep, other times though guilt will engulf me and I go down for a very good cry. There are days though that just looking at a picture in the house will make me cry so hard I get sick, which is a new one. It hasn't made me sick until just recently, I do not like those. The void of Tadan being gone has changed me and I honestly can not put into words how yet. It has shifted me in a way that I can't describe. I wish that just one more time I could feel him, kiss his chubby cheeks and smell his baby breath  I hurt everyday, ache for him to be here but do not cry everyday anymore. It is still very dreamlike, almost as if I had a nightmare and he was never here to begin with. His face, that smile and those eyes are implanted in my head and I scream his name asking why one so beautiful but that is exactly the reason why. He was pure beauty, love and innocence. A soul meant to take that journey, to reach into all of our hearts, grab on to teach it something new. I was working on my computer one day and had left it to do something, so I knew it would be asleep when I got back. As I walked into the living room there on the screen was a slide show running and it was on Tadan's baby pictures. I dropped to my knees, laughed and cried. Now my computer has never done this before and I did not set the slide show as a default. I think we can all make the assumption that Tadan played a part in this. It was beautiful and yet I was taken back by this, wondering how? Butterflies are everywhere, pennies being found, a dragonfly at Tadan's school-no water for it but it was there, clouds and rainbows. He has become everything and is everywhere, sending all his love for all of us to see and experience. Now I know the crying will subside even more but not ever fully go away, I will miss him always. He is living through all of us, giving us strength and love to live our lives with compassion and drive. Pushing us to overcome our fears and to take on challenges that before we wouldn't dare face. Tadan is a powerhouse that we must use everyday. He left something behind that is overwhelming wonderful, himself. He is here when the wind blows, as the sun rays come streaming through the clouds or that brush on your skin when you are all alone. The tears don't come everyday anymore but it hurts everyday so I am filling myself up with him in whatever I am doing. I enjoy the rush of knowing he just ran past me or sends me the beautiful rays from the sun. He sends signs telling us all he is ok and enjoying the wonders of things his mortal body would not allow. Warmth fills me up knowing this. Much Love to you all. I Love You Tadan!