Wednesday, June 29, 2016

The dream I didn't expect.

It's been four years since I have blogged. Tadan passed April 26, 2012. The time that has gone by has been slow but a quick slow, if that makes sense. Some days seem to last forever as others happen in a blink of an eye. I have lost my way and then found it again. Paige and Dalton are teenagers now, they were so young when Tadan was sick so strange to think about. Tadan would be 10 this December and my mind cannot picture his face that old, but I guess that's how it's suppose to be, remembering his 5 year old face and not being able to think about what a 10 year old Tadan looks like. Kinda seems a bit harsh that your mind would want to do that to you but you do wonder. Even crossed my mind to do an aged picture of him but what really is the point, it wouldn't be realistic only a dream of a mother wanting to know what her son would look like older. I had a dream about him after he died. Was about six months after. I was getting upset as to why I hadn't seen him yet. Other things happened, like waking up at the time of his passing for about a month, then a dragonfly in the car-huge and blue, heard him yell "Momma" couple times and I would roll over half asleep expecting to see him laying there, and now every year on April 26 I wake up at time of passing but the dream....ugh. My own son scolded me but if you knew Tadan it's no surprise. He brought me back to his room at the hospice house. I was sitting on the edge of the bed as bright light came in through the window. He came to me a grown man but I couldn't see his whole face. His hair and mouth was all I could see. It was his voice but in a grown mans body, he chose this very specifically. He hovered in the light as he spoke, "Mom, stop rushing me, I'm busy"  I woke up cried and smiled all at once. I have dreamt of him since,  but why he was in those dreams I can only say he just wanted me to know he is here cause he would appear then be gone.  His scolding was hard but he told me what he is doing now, helping other kids whether sick or not get through hard times. Even it means being there when sick babies earn their wings. I hold on to those little glimpses I get of him and am very proud of how big his wings are. I miss him everyday but his story is not over. Much love and more to come Carisa

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